My intention for posting this is somewhat depleted by the fact that I forgot to post it on Monday, August 25th which would have marked me living in New Zealand for two whole months exactly. However, because I have saved this particular piece of writing for this long already, I figure it still counts for something sentimental even if it is a day late.
This is a piece I wrote on the first night I slept in my host parents home, the house that I would be calling home for the entirety of my time in New Zealand. I wrote it late at night because I could not sleep well that night. There were so many thoughts, judgements, imagined scenes running through my head that I just had to write something down in order to let my mind rest to sleep. And this is what came of it:
The Truth About My First Night
Traveling to a new location is nothing like moving to one. Let me say that first. And I will not, in all attempts, make this piece of writing something sad, because it’s not. But, I will tell you the truth about how it feels to be caught in something very unknown.
The weirdest part about all of this, is leaving somewhere I will never go back to, in order to get somewhere I know nothing of. Nothing at all. Never have I been here, or known anyone who has lived here longer than a few months, yet my crazy mind convinced itself that this was where I was destined to be. And so with that thought, I followed it with all my heart as if I knew exactly what I was doing. Truth is… I didn’t. But then again, do we ever really know exactly what we are doing with any change we bring to our lives? Probably not… my only difference is that my change picked me up and dropped me off half way across the world from the place I have always been.
And so let us talk about that. I arrived two days after I left, although the flights were only 12 hours in total. All my family, and the people I know were still experiencing Tuesday as I began my Wednesday morning in a brand new place.
That night, I found myself in a hotel bed next to the Auckland airport, sleeping next to another bed that held a girl all the way from Germany. And after a long day’s travel I figured I would drift off to sleep right away, ready to take on the brand new adventure that the next day would bring..but then the nightmare came.
In all honesty, I have nightmares pretty regularly. I could not tell you why, but I do. Yet, this one was different. I was walking alone in a busy, crowded sideway street when all sound cut off and I felt a firm hand grab around my waist. I woke up in a cold sweat and a slight jump off the sheets just underneath me. The dream itself wasn’t very scary.. but the feeling that followed most definitely was. It’s that feeling of being far away…very very far away. I tried to close my eyes again but that feeling got worse. Once it has clicked in your head that the location of self is no longer where it always has been, thoughts run wild in our imaginations. Like that split second we often experience when we wake up not knowing where we are.
I know I am safe, and I am smart enough to get myself out of a good amount of the possible danger that I could one day come across over here… yet that feeling still comes.
And of course now, as I write this, the sky has begun to thunderstorm, rain, and hail, as if its cursing me for ever thinking New Zealand could bring such negativity. And the sky is right… New Zealand is a remarkable place…filled with wonder I have yet to discover, and once I’ve touched on more of that magic, I am confident that this scary feeling will subside.
And to my very pleasant surprise, that feeling has subsided. I believe it left not too long after I wrote this even. I feel that it is important for young travelers to realize that the world is a big adventure to explore, but I also think it takes quite a bit of courage to accept all the change and distance it brings away from comfort. There are most definitely times when I feel uneasy, unsure, or confused about what I am doing half way across the world, but I can for sure confidently say that I am happy to be here.
Whatever I may be doing, for whatever purpose in the long run, I am happy that it has brought me here.
Joyful Thinking 